Are Humans REALLY more superior?

This post is in response to a news story covering the appointment  of (and protests against) Peter Singer as Professor at Princeton University. Protests are sparked due to Singers lack of belief in God and belief (in some instances) in infanticide. Singer has the opinion that what makes us human is not what we are but the ability of rational thought and the quality of self-awareness. Intrinsically babies are not born with these qualities or abilities. Singer also believes that an act is moral based on the consequences stating that the act should benefit all involved. Based on these beliefs Singer argues that infanticide is completely acceptable, with agreement from the parents, in cases where the infant is severely disabled.

Many may not like my take on Singer’s views but I have to agree with many of them. Most of the moral beliefs held in this world are based on religious beliefs. The religious beliefs dictate that we as humans are somehow more valuable than all other life, that we are made in the image of some all-powerful God, or simply that because the bible (or similar writings) says so that killing is wrong. There are many theories regarding the value of one’s life. Many believe that one’s value can be determined by what one contributes to society or that at least they don’t make things worse. A severely retarded child is likely to have nothing to contribute to the world, never be self-aware, never be capable of any rational thought, and only be a drain on the medical and other community resources as well as an emotional, physical and financial burden to its parents and the community at large. Animals of the planet starve, kill, sacrifice, and abandon the weak and sickly all the time for the greater benefit of the herd, pack, pride, etc. Hell humans make decisions on who can live or die every day from doling out capital punishment (aka the death penalty) to humans found to be completely lacking of reasoning and have no benefit to the world, to euthanasia of cats, dogs, horses, ferrets, and other animals who are ill and suffering or who cannot be found a home, to slaughtering cows, pigs and chickens for consumption, to dropping bombs on unknown peoples because you don’t agree with their cultural practices or because they are withholding oil from the masses, or the not so simple act of aborting a fetus because you are not ready to be a parent or because you can’t afford to raise even a healthy, intelligent child.  Death by decision is practiced on monumental scales in the U.S. and around the world every single day. The reality is, in my opinion, that we humans are not some elevated being that is valuable just because we exist. In fact, one could argue that because we exist the world is worse off. Destruction of rain forests, hunting species into extinction, air, water, and land pollution, never ending encroachment into neighboring natural habitats, war, global warming, and a myriad of other dastardly facts are all due to our existence. Unfortunately, our existence is based on having more, getting more, making more, making bigger, making better instead of being satisfied with what you need which always leads to the suffering of someone or something. This is another concept for which I agree that is addressed by Singer in his work (for which I am familiar) entitled The Singer Solution to World Poverty.

IMPERATIVE UPDATE! USED CAR BUYERS BEWARE

In SERIES: MONEY CAN BUY HAPPINESS! EPISODE 4 I gave my readers tips when buying a used car. And in Social Networks: Tools & Terrors I warned my readers of the downfalls and threats that exist with the use of social media and the internet. Unfortunately during my recent and ongoing quest to buy a used car I found that these two subjects are inextricably linked. Therefore I felt it imperative to update my readers on some disturbing facts I have discovered and provide even more information that will help you when shopping for a used car while protecting your personal and financial identity.

In this day and age of divorced families, high unemployment rates, and low wages many persons cannot afford to purchase a new car. Like me, many people who need to buy a vehicle opt to purchase a used vehicle that fits their needs and their budget. As with most shopping endeavors many people turn to the internet to find what they are looking for. Used car shopping is no different. Many used car shoppers turn to sites like Craigslist and Autotrader when shopping for a used vehicle. These sites like many other independent sites are riddled with ads posted by con artists and identity thieves looking to make contact with their next victim. Below are examples of some of the scams and dishonest practices I have encountered during my ongoing search for a used car , how you can recognize them and the measures that can be taken to avoid being taken advantage of by these criminals.

Ad Text:

1.   Be suspicious of ads that do not contain all the information one would reasonably want to know when buying a car like make, year, mileage, condition, options and full model description. For example, an ad that does not list the mileage and only says 2002 Toyota Corolla cannot be accurately valued in a value check via Kelley Blue Book. Many vehicle models have an extension to their model name. A Toyota Corolla for example comes with extensions such as CE, SE, and LE. Most sellers of vehicles look up the value of their car before selling and are well aware that the model type is necessary to value accurately.

2.   Be suspicious of ads that contain very short and general descriptions such as “great car, looks and runs good, cold a/c”.

3.    Be very suspicious of ads trying to appeal to a sympathetic buyer such as ads stating “elderly woman”, “disabled vet” , “single mom with small children”, “struggling student”.

4.   Be suspicious of ads posted for sale in your area but are located far away or have no location listed at all.

5.    As sites like CARFAX and AutoCheck are widely used by used car buyers many ad sites provide an option for the sellers to provide the VIN number for the vehicle they are selling. Ads that include the VIN number are most preferable.

6.   Do not consider ads for cars whose model year is before 1992 regardless of how great they look. Kelley blue book does not value cars made before 1992 therefore their values cannot be determined.

Ad Images:

1.   Avoid ads that have only one or two photos.

2.   Be suspicious of ads that do not contain straight line photos. Straight line photos are ones taken directly from front or back of vehicle. Straight line photos give a view straight down the side of the vehicle which many times reveal body and frame damage and other evidence of accident. Exclusion of straight line photos is a popular method to disguise frame damage, dents and the like. Exclusion of straight line photos is a common practice amongst questionable used car dealers.

3.   When searching for used cars online I highly recommend using Google as your search engine. Google has a wonderful tool that when you right click any image it will search for that image online and display all instances that image has been used.

For example: I found a beautiful supposedly 1996 truck for sale on craigslist in Gainesville, Florida. Upon checking the value on Kelly Blue Book I found that it’s listed sale price was thousands of dollars below the value. Being suspicious I right clicked the main image for the truck and google searched the image. I found that the EXACT same picture was being used  to advertise a 1999 truck for sale in Buffalo, New York.

Contact:

1.  Avoid ads that only contain generic email addresses and do not contain a telephone number for contact.

2.   If you dial a number and receive a message that says something about “google text service” HANG UP THE PHONE and forget about the ad. Google text services is a service that enables persons  to retrieve messages for a phone number (usually prepaid). It is used by persons who do not have a cell phone and is commonly used by scammers in Nigeria, Mexico and Columbia as a way to receive text message contact from unsuspecting victims.

3.  Keep it strictly professional. Avoid overly personal conversations with sellers.Caller ID on most phones already provides your phone number and in many cases your name to the person you are calling. Many scammers and identity thieves will attempt to lure unsuspecting victims into a friendly conversation to find out how old you are, if you are married, if are you a student, where you work and how long you have worked there, where you are from, how many kids you have, etc.

4.   Strictly avoid communications that are strictly via email. Always request a contact name and number. DO NOT open any links contained in emails received. Many scammers and identity thieves include links in their emails that when clicked allow access to your email account, download worms that seek out personal and financial info and can even download programs that allow them access to your computer.

5.   If upon calling a contact number you find you have unknowingly reached a used car dealer – HANG UP! Many used car dealers use vague and dishonest ads that do not identify them as a car dealer in an effort to get you to the lot. Any car dealer that has to use such tactics is usually not reputable or trustworthy.

As usual I can only advise you to be cautious and careful and use your very best judgement when buying or shopping for anything online. I hope the above information will prove very helpful.

 

Racism: Is it truly racism or a condition of their own making?

Racism or Justifiable Prejudice – THAT IS THE QUESTION* In the past racism and prejudice went hand in hand – the belief that one race was superior to another simply based on skin color. Today those lines are not mixed. Nobody truly believes that a race is inferior just because of their skin color – that would be racist. But today negative feelings regarding a race is based on their normal cultural practices, behaviors, and beliefs – that is prejudice. For this essay we will discuss prejudice and/or racism against blacks. The question is whether or not it is ethical or at least justified to have prejudice against a race, specifically blacks. Many blacks complain that they are offended when women hold their purses closer when they see a black person in their vicinity or that they get pulled over by law enforcement simply because they are black. Unfortunately the criminal behavior of blacks in this country supports this kind of profiling. The statistics regarding the black population that only makes up 12-13% of the total American population is astonishing and disturbing. For a population that is so limited in numbers compared to Hispanics and whites they seem to be committing a larger portion per capita of most criminal acts and are the number one perpetrators of murder in this country. According to the Department of Justice records 52% of ALL murders in this country are committed by blacks. What is more astonishing is that 93% of murders of black victims are committed by black perpetrators. These statistics do not take into consideration drug crimes, rapes, assaults, robberies, unsolved crimes or petit theft. And those statistics are staggering as well. 54.9% of all robberies and 32.5% of all forcible rapes are committed by blacks. In addition it is a well-known fact that crime rates in any city in the country are higher in areas with a predominately black population. There are many law-abiding black Americans who are also scared of and prejudiced  against the majority of the black population. Based on the statistics it is no wonder that people (not just whites) are prejudice against most members of the black race. Many blacks could, have and do argue that they didn’t ask to be here. This argument no longer applies. Blacks are free to go wherever they want – nobody is keeping them here. And there are many who would volunteer to pay for them to leave. Many blacks also argue that they are deprived and therefore forced to live in “the projects” and commit crimes to survive. That hasn’t been the case for a long, long time. Blacks have equal, and in many cases elevated, opportunities for education and employment. In this day and age even white people, who according to blacks have privilege, can’t get jobs or be accepted to higher education facilities due to their criminal record. And the reality is that if you live in the projects it is because you have little to no income. It’s not like anybody is forcing them to live there. In addition living in the projects, of which most are low income blacks, does not mean that you have an excuse to be violent, uncivilized, deal drugs or participate in the many numbers of unsavory and illegal actions that are common in housing projects. The projects are not the source of the problem. The people living in the projects and their choices and behaviors are the problem. The bigger reality is that the decisions they have made or are making are self-depriving. If you continue to procreate when you cannot afford to raise the children you already have you are creating a bigger burden on yourself involving higher dependence on welfare and the inability to pay child support. Not to mention not being able to afford child care so you can work or go to school. If you have a felony record your actions are preventing your employment or education opportunities. Many of the negative circumstances that the majority of the black population is suffering is not due to racism but are of their own making. A great divide in the races is the perception that the black population has a  propensity to reproduce without responsibility.  And the fact that black men tend to have multiple children with multiple women is well-known and acknowledged. Did you know that 32% of all welfare recipients are black even though they only make up 13% of the American population? Or about the fact that more than 72% of all African American children are born out of wedlock. The problem is not how others, not just whites, look at blacks. Trust me Chinese, Lebanese, Muslim and others share the view that blacks in America are generally dangerous, uncivilized and untrustworthy. It is how the culture is behaving that is causing the problem. A culture whose members will scream to the rooftops when they perceive that a cop may have behaved inappropriately with a black person is the same culture who is well known for having the practice of “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” when atrocities occur in their own neighborhoods by their brothers, neighbors, many cousins, etc. And there is always the screaming about how they went to jail because they are black. GET REAL! Nobody goes to jail because of their skin color.They go to jail because they were breaking the law.The question is still whether prejudice is justified. I believe in some cases it is. If you know that a lion will most likely, not always, rip your throat out based on your observation of their collective existence then it is not prejudice to assume that an unknown lion may likely rip your throat out. I am sorry that it has to be said. Prejudice today against blacks, for the most part, is not based on skin color. Black people in this day and age have, to a certain extent, brought on the prejudice that exists against them based on their behaviors and cultural practices. Is this prejudice ethical? Probably not. It is never good to judge or evaluate everyone within a race based on the normal accepted behavior and practices of the majority of their culture. Does this justify prejudice? Not necessarily. Because a large portion of race behaves a certain way or has detrimental cultural practices does not mean that every member of that race has the same practices or beliefs. There are many black Americans who are responsible, civilized and productive members of society. However it is better to be safe than sorry. I and many other Americans will continue to hold their purses or be suspicious and concerned when an unknown black man is wandering the neighborhood. On the same note, I and many other Americans will be extremely nervous and possibly pray for their lives when taking a plane flight if we see a passenger of Arab or Persian descent. However statistics show that the likelihood of being killed by Arabs on a plane is significantly less than the possibly of being a victim of a crime at the hands of a black person. Does that justify prejudice? No. But it does justify the use of caution and careful observation.

It’s ALL YOUR FAULT!

Everything you do, have or don’t have is a direct result of your own actions and behaviors.

Any and all person’s views, behaviors and choices are influenced by their experiences. And upon initial and many subsequent mental reviews of one’s life experiences many people come to the conclusion that this or that happened because of another person’s actions or behavior(s). The reality is that most everything that occurs in your life, good or bad, IS YOUR FAULT.

If you became a drug addict in an effort to deal with the death of your son and father -IT WAS NOT REASONABLE, UNDERSTANDABLE OR INEVITABLE. It was a choice you made. There were other choices you could have made to deal with the pain of such extreme losses. You could have sought out counseling, attended certain meetings, talked to family or even sought advice from friends. Instead you chose to numb yourself rather than dealing with the emotions.

If while you are in your addiction you don’t feel safe, are always in hypervigilant mode, and are emotionally terrorized or mortified by the actions and behaviors you witness it is not the drug dealers’ or their misguided customer’s’ fault. IT IS YOURS! You chose the drugs; you chose to expose yourself to the people who sell drugs to their own mother and who kill people over ten dollars. You put yourself in that position to be exposed and subject to that kind of mentality.

The same concept is true in every other aspect of life. Many people use the excuse of “I didn’t have a choice” or “I didn’t know what to do” or “I didn’t know what I should say.” These statements and similar statements are all lies that you tell yourself and others in order to not take responsibility for your choices and actions. Those people who were shredding docs at Enron had many choices – “No I’m not doing it”, “I quit”, “you are a criminal”, or “I’m telling” just to name a few.

The emotionally disconnected boyfriend that you spent 3 years who eventually broke your heart – YOUR FAULT! You knew he was emotionally unavailable and never wanted to talk about anything serious. You suspected – in your gut- that he was not totally and completely dedicated to you or the relationship. The fact that you haven’t had sex in 8 months was a sure sign that something was really wrong. Upon evaluating your actions and/ or reactions to your many situations and relationships later you realize that you contributed to the problem by not addressing or by excusing the issues based on your own assumptions or fear of the answers you would get if you actually asked the relevant questions.

You can try to blame everything that happens in your life on someone or something else. But as you get older and wiser you find that you were the instrument of your own demise, difficulties or successes. Every day you make the choices that affect your life. You choose to use drugs, you choose to work for sexist pig, you choose to be quiet about your feelings, you choose to be exposed to certain persons, YOU CHOOSE WHETHER TO SAY OR NOT SAY ANYTHING OR EVERYTHING, TO DO OR NOT DO ANYTHING OR EVERYTHING, TO BE OR NOT BE ANYTHING OR EVERYTHING.Your criminal record, your relationship history, your job history, your education, your family relationships, and everything else conceivable on this earth is ultimately your responsibility.

The truth is that nothing happens in your life without action or reaction from you. The next time you think your life is shit because someone else did something or something happened — think about the decisions you made or didn’t, concessions you made or didn’t, the blind eye you turned, or the questions you didn’t ask or didn’t want to know the answers to before  you blame everything and everyone else for your circumstances.

Upon really engaging in self reflection you are likely to find that you knew that ex was no good long before you had proof or that if you had addressed your concerns or suspicions earlier disaster may have been averted or the relationship could have turned into bliss; that if you told your boss that you wanted a raise you might actually have gotten one; that if a professor gave you a bad grade undeservingly you should have challenged him and could have made the dean’s list; or that if you have friends who have given you reason to question their character maybe you should question or not to limit or terminate the friendship.

A famous quote which I find so true is “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” Most people’s bad choices come from fear – fear of losing a friend or family member, fear of hurting someone’s feelings,  fear of being alone, fear of not succeeding, fear of failure…. and the list goes on. Don’t be afraid … be thoughtful, be moral, be truthful, be true to yourself and be introspective. Taking responsibility for your life, actions, reactions and decisions can actually result in less anxiety, self-doubt, depression, addiction, etc.

Blaming everyone and everything else for your circumstances denies any self responsibility and prevents you from learning and growing. Take responsibility, learn and grow. It can be painful to acknowledge your character flaws, recognize your faults and take responsibility for your life but I promise you will be much better for it!

 

 

 

 

Social Networks: Tools & Terrors

SOCIAL MEDIA…practically everyone uses some form or another. In a world in which most everyone is so busy social media helps those who use it stay in touch with great ease with their family, friends, co-workers, schoolmates,former schoolmates, long lost acquaintances or business customers &/or contacts via a quick post to Facebook, MySpace, or Twitter or the various other social media networks. These sites can be a wonderful tool in which to maintain regular contact with those you care about in a day and age when letters and phone calls take “just too much time” or are inconvenient. In addition you can find out things about your friends,family, and customers that may have not known previously or haven’t been privy to due to your very busy life.

For example your friend Suzy posts that she just bought her first Harley (suddenly has money to spend)and posts a pic of the new sled. You may never have known that she always wanted to ride and find it fun and interesting that a picture of Tinkerbell (she likes fairy tales) is painted on the purple gas tank (probably her favorite color). When you read your retired (doesn’t have to work) recently widowed (no man in the house) mother’s post stating that she is lonely in her big ole house (old lady all alone) and rarely receives company (nobody to get in the way) it may inspire you to pay a visit, send a text, make a call or at least post a loving message on her “wall” telling her how much she is valued, loved and missed. Or maybe your high school friend always post selfies with tags of herself working, shopping or hanging out with friends (divulges locations, times and habits) makes you feel connected by at least being able to see where she is at, who she is with and what she is doing.

Social media is not only a useful tool for you, your family and friends or your business but also for those that want to prey upon you. Any person meaning you harm from an old “psycho” love to a predatory criminal or identity thief can find out where you work, live, and hang out. Criminals and predators can also find out your birth date, the kind of car you drive, private email address, phone number, job history, education history, family members names and pet’s names as well as ascertain  your  favorite food, favorite color, favorite musical artist, favorite video game, favorite movie, favorite actor or actress or favorite hobby just by looking at your photos and posts. Not surprising is that all of the aforementioned information are the answers to every security question asked by all banks, credit card companies and employer websites along with a myriad of other web based resources. Protection of this kind of detailed information is imperative in light of the statistics provided by the Bureau of Justice noting that in 2014 17.6 million people were victims of identity theft. 

Below is a list of tips and instructions to help you avoid identity theft and predatory criminals when it comes to social media:

1. MANAGE YOUR FRIENDS LIST DILIGENTLY – regularly review your “friends” for those you have regular contact with, know well or are trustworthy family members. Eliminate friends and family members whose posts are inappropriate or offensive or have recently been arrested for a drug related, violent, or financial crime. These persons are morally & socially deficient or desperate and dangerous and are an threat to your well being and your good-standing reputation.

2. REVIEW YOUR “FRIENDS” FRIENDS LIST –  you might have to review a 700 member friend list but if think you are safe by effectively monitoring your friends’ post and pics that is not necessarily the case. You cannot control what your friends’ post, what they share or who they share info with. Always check your friends’ friends list. Upon checking you may find that they are associating with one of your violent or immoral exes, unsavory persons, drug dealers, addicts or criminals. Their friends can potentially access your information through them.

3. KEEP YOUR PERSONAL INFORMATION PERSONAL – upon signing up many sites ask you for a myriad of info like your full date of birth, address, personal email address, sex, race and phone number. Many sites like Facebook allow you to only provide the info to the “site” without it appearing on your page or give you the option to not answer the questions or only give partial info. You can also choose for such info you do provide to only be provided to friends.

4. BE AGGRESSIVE ABOUT YOUR SECURITY SETTINGS– one great thing that has developed from this age of identity theft and cyber crime is social networks’ security settings features. BE AGGRESSIVE. Facebook like other social media sites offers you very specific options to protect the security of what you share, post and upload. You can set your profile to private (friends only) or public (anyone can find you or access or info), you can set a friends only, friends of friends or public for your posts, designate who can post on our wall, be notified if you are tagged in a photo or your name is used in a post, and even designate how each individual photo or video you can be viewed or shared.

5. NEVER DIVULGE PLANS AHEAD OF TIME – never post when you are going on vacation, when your taking a long Saturday ride on the sled, about to leave on a date or outing or that you are going to get home til midnight from work unless you have followed steps 1-4 above and even then be cautious. These kinds of announcements give criminals the the information and opportunity to rob you while your gone or assault you as your coming home.

A persons credit rating is something is that takes a voluminous amount of effort, time and dedication to repair once it is damaged. And your personal safety has no price. Social media can be a wonderful tool but it can also be the source of your worst nightmare. Be careful, be safe, be knowledgeable but most of all be aware and alert!

 

 

Body Image and Self-Esteem

How are or is girls self-image affected by the actions and behaviors of their mothers? Do they develop their own opinions and beliefs regardless of their mothers’ actions? Does their attitudes, actions and opinions solely depend how they are perceived or judged by others? Are there other more significant factors that affect their self-image? These are pertinent questions as many girls, young women and mature women alike have very serious self-image issues. Psychologist and self-esteem expert Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke, Ph.D. states that “Low self-esteem among girls and young women has reached a crisis level.” So is it a really a mother’s fault that her daughter is promiscuous, has no sense of modesty, always worries about how they look or how much they weigh, or looks at themselves like they are an animal at market trying to attract a buyer? These are the questions which plague not only society at large but also girls, young women and mature women alike as well as their families and friends who are questioning their behavior or choices.
Regardless of the source of the factors that influence how girls view themselves the statistics show that most American girls have negative self-image issues. One study reports, according to The National Institute on Media and the Family, “that at age thirteen, 53% of American girls are “unhappy with their bodies.” This grows to 78% by the time girls reach seventeen.” Dosomething.org reports that “44% of high school girls are trying to lose weight” and that “Over 70% of girls age 15 to 17 avoid normal daily activities, such as attending school, when they feel bad about their looks.” The same source reports that “75% of girls with low self-esteem reported engaging in negative activities like cutting, bullying, smoking, drinking, or disordered eating.”
There are conflicting opinions regarding the factors that affect a girl’s self-image. The studies and analysis’ regarding how a girl’s self-image is affected has been researched and explored by a multitude of sources too numerous to quote. The National Association of Social Workers simplifies the influences as “personal, familial, and cultural factors.” However one must eliminate personal (originating from the person) as an influence as a person’s personal opinions, views and behavior are most often influenced and shaped by their experiences, the culture they live in and family relations. No one suddenly wakes up and decides that they are fat or ugly on their own. Someone or something tells them whether it is their family, their peer group, or media images, that they are not perfect. It is important to determine what has the most influence on young women’s views of themselves so that this crisis can be remedied.
One opinion on this issue is that a mother’s opinions carries great weight with young girls. These opinions can be communicated via their behavior, choices or verbally expressed. There is much research and many professional opinions that indicate that a mother’s behavior and choices is a direct link to that of their daughter’s. According to a Susan Stern, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, “The Self Psychology Theory of Normal Child Development states that all children, at some point in their development, need validation and acknowledgment from parental figures.” A national study indicates that “67% of girls ages 13 to 17” and “91% percent of girls ages 8 to 12 turn to their mother as a resource when feeling badly about themselves.” The behavior and actions of a mother can have a huge impact on her daughter. Jaqueline Lapa Sussman, MS, LPC states that “Mothers are powerful role models for their daughters’ images of themselves” and that “your attitude about your own body and sensuality, whether you talk about it or not, is automatically passed down to your daughter.” In light of these facts it would seem that mothers must have at least some responsibility for their daughter’s self-esteem and body image issues. However there are a variety of sources in which the dominant consensus is that media has an extraordinary influence on how girls view themselves despite the effects of their mother’s behavior and choices.
It is no wonder that media apparently has such a strong influence. According to a WebMD article “The average teen girl gets about 180 minutes of media exposure daily and only about 10 minutes of parental interaction a day…” This is confirmed by other sources such as The Kaiser Family Foundation who states that “Today, 8-18 year-olds devote an average of 7 hours and 38 minutes to using entertainment media across a typical day (more than 53 hours a week).” Not only are they devoting this extraordinary amount of time to media but “because they spend so much of that time ‘media multitasking’ (using more than one medium at a time), they actually manage to pack a total of 10 hours and 45 minutes’ worth of media content into those 7½ hours.” It is no wonder that that the average girl and woman feels so much pressure when the most famous, richest, and most popular and successful women on television, in movies and in magazines are the ones who are slim, have larger boobs than what they were born with (much less those they had 5 years ago), change their hair color and style regularly, and wear tight, revealing, and flashy clothing. Other images and ideas in the media are influential as well. The current Republican Party frontrunner, Donald Trump, is currently well-known as the loud mouthed, controversial, rich guy trying to appeal to the masses. But he is also famous for cheating on and eventually leaving Ivana Trump, his adventurous, intelligent, beautiful, and dedicated wife of more 12 years and mother of his 3 children, for a 21 year old former showgirl and beauty queen. And who can forget the very public scandal caused by former President Bill Clinton’s infidelity with a much younger woman. Even celebrity husbands such as Jude Law, Ben Affleck and most recently Gavin Rossdale, whom had successful, intelligent, rich and beautiful wives of many years, have been outed for violating their marriage vows by fornicating with the young nannies hired to care for their children. The messages sent to women and girls by government officials and celebrities alike through these kinds of images and behaviors is that no matter how smart or successful you are, how well you treat yourself and your family, how much time, effort, and emotion you dedicate to your relationship or marriage, there is always the chance that you can and will be replaced by a younger, slimmer, prettier version.
Obviously media plays a larger role when it comes influencing young girls’ opinions of themselves. “All women, old and young alike, are under the constant assault of media generated images of youth, beauty, and thinness as the measure of a woman’s worth.” And there is the unfortunate circumstance of the many wives and daughters experiencing their dads, husbands and boyfriends leaving their girlfriends, wives, and families for someone who is younger, or skinnier, or has bigger boobs. In light of these facts it is no surprise that many women and girls believe that their appearance not only effects their success in life but their relationships. It is sad that women and girls at large even in these modern, liberated times are still viewed and view themselves as a commodity like a well raised cow. A belief of the better it looks the more you can get for it and vice versa, the better you look the more you can get is perpetrated by the media every day. However “Since daughters unconsciously identify with their mothers, all mothers have tremendous power to shape their daughters’ self-image.” “A mother who accepts how she looks, and has a healthy attitude about weight, wrinkles, and aging, goes a long way in helping to counter the peer and media pressure her daughter faces.”

CHILDREN: When to let go

Are you one of the many parents in the world whose only communication with their child is when they call crying and/or are in need of assistance or advice? Are you feeling unappreciated and used? Are you feeling like you are a tool that is used by your kids and left feeling used and unappreciated? You are not alone. The problem is that you evaluate and treat your children’s behavior differently than you do everyone else’s. If a random person robbed you and pawned your jewelry you would likely have no problem prosecuting them. But if was your kid, you get the jewelry out of pawn, let them know how disappointed you are and go on in oblivion.

Every man and woman or most every man and woman grows up believing or being taught that a parent’s duty is to protect, care for and raise her child in a safe, supportive environment. They are taught to believe that if you are the perfect parent that your children will turn out to be successful, well rounded individuals who are capable of supporting themselves, acting morally and making good decisions for their life. Although they are capable of all of the above that doesn’t mean that they will turn out to be “everything you hoped for and more”. Your kids spend little time with you compared to all other influences. Children are influenced not only by what is taught or represented by their parents, but by what they see, what they experience, their peers and by public images found in magazines, on television and on the internet. You are one of many influences that determine or affect what or who your children become. There does come a point in every parent’s life where they realize their children are no longer their little boys and girls and are just another human being in the world. Unfortunately too many times parents’ realize that their children aren’t everything they wanted them to be – some more than others.

My brother and I were raised in the same single mother household. My mother worked hard all her life and still does. She was a strong, independent woman who never took crap from anyone. This mindset and attitude was displayed to me and my brother all of our lives. Although I have had some addiction issues, I followed my mother’s example and have always been a very hard working woman who doesn’t ask for anything from anyone, rarely accepts anything from anyone but never more than I deserve and has no problem expressing myself. My brother who was empowered with the same education and examples as I has turned out to be a womanizer, a thief, a liar,a manipulator, a career criminal, and generally an all around bad person that I am ashamed to be associated with. I have since intervened and pretty much isolated my brother from mine and my mother’s life.

My mother has spent many years letting my useless brother take advantage of her, verbally abusing her, stealing from her, lying to her and the list goes on and on. When I ask her why she continues to try she always replies- “he is my son”.? When does a child stop becoming your child and you realize they are just another person in the world? How long or many times do you save them before enough is enough?

I have experienced all these things. My daughter only calls when she is in crisis. I never hear from her unless she wants something. I however no longer feed into her drama and have learned to separate my love for her as my child and my opinion of her as an adult. Although I always take her calls I do not explain away her circumstances, I DO point out her poor decisions and take no responsibility for what’s going on in her life nor do I offer a resolution or quick parental intervention. Her decisions and her choices are not ones that I would not have made nor recommend. But she is an adult who makes choices of her own.

The reality is that if you always swoop in to fix your kids problems in their adult life, they will never suffer the consequences of their actions thereby learning nothing consequently never being independent, thoughtful or moral. There is a time that a parent should sever themselves from their adult child. You dedicated your whole early years sacrificing, providing for and trying to teach them right from wrong. Should you dedicate the rest of your life fixing their mistakes? At some point you have to let go. When you do is up to you!

Corporal Punishment? REALLY?

I recently had an assignment in my psychology class that really made me look at my childhood. My mother was an avid believer in violence for correction. I believe that unfortunately as an animal of this planet we are prone to actions and reactions of violence. What supposedly sets us humans apart from other species of the animal kingdom is a higher order of thinking. In knowing that, one should know that any act of violence toward you child or your spouse is never okay. Although many times I agree that one’s actions might deserve a good smack doesn’t mean I’m going to give them one.  As a person who has been the victim of excessive corporal punishment in the home as well as a victim of domestic abuse I can tell you that violence teaches you nothing but resentment, hate, regret and how to repeat violence. As a teenager, every time I got pissed off about or didn’t like something that someone did or said I was prone to violence.  In my early adulthood I am ashamed to say that I physically accosted several boyfriends and spouses when they did or said something I didn’t like. It took me many years of therapy to discover that there are many other ways to deal with anger and disappointment other than physical violence. As far as I am concerned, if as a human being, you can’t express or deal with your anger or other emotions without using violence you might as well go live with the lions of Africa.

It is so unfortunate that so many people still believe that violence is the answer to your children’s behavioral problems. Below is a discussion with my classmate that illustrates the problem and my response.

Classmate:

I think that it’s only appropriate to use violence for discipline and other people will disagree with this. I believe in disciplining a child but not hurting a child. When he/she is wrong there should be consequences. I also don’t think it should hurt more than a little sting. It’s more for embarrassment and teaching a child from right and wrong. I don’t think anyone should hit their spouse unless it’s something they like in their private time. 

My Response:

I am sorry Classmate but I think your method of parenting and discipline is outdated and fundamentally incorrect. How would you like it if your child smacked you because you did or said something he/she didn’t like? Should it be okay because it only stung? Did you learn a lesson or are your just angry or hurt and want to retaliate? Might you ask where he/she learned it from? And if a little smack is okay to express when you have done something wrong, why shouldn’t your spouse be able to hit you? Why are the standards different for you than they are for your child?

Insight into me- A Short True Story!

Ashley has been up all morning after a long work week to cook a special meal of shrimp and grits for her mother. Now she gets out all the preparations she has worked so hard to piece together here and there for the past several days and begins her process. The balloons are tied to their decorative weights so they won’t fly away. The tiny rose bushes she purchased just for this occasion have been watered and their various colors assigned to specific recipients. Ashley’s husband Rick awakens and begins getting ready for the day’s events. As he heads to the bathroom, he looks at wife and smiles. She is so beautiful even when she is stressed.

Today will be the first time that Rick will meet Ashley’s grandmother. He has heard the horror stories of days past. But he is making the effort today especially since Ashley is insisting. Ashley believes her 82 year old grandmother is in her last days and wants her to finally meet the man she wants to spend her life with. His wife believes it will make the crazy granny happy to know that Ashley has finally found the perfect mate. Rick has been avoiding this meeting for three years. The stories he has been privy to in conjunction with his wife’s multiple mental health diagnosis have created a serious concern. What if he is going to introduce himself to a person who is the vision of what his wife will be like in twenty years?  But he can avoid it no more without suffering the wrath of his determined, loving and sometimes scary wife. Based on their recent conversations, there is not an excuse in the world that he could manufacture, short of impending death, that will get him out of today’s Mother’s day rounds.

Ashley’s grandmother Frances is in a nursing home. She has required nursing home care since she put two bullets in her head 28 years ago to get rid of the voices and hallucinations. Before she tried to kill herself Frances used to run outside onto her lawn at two in morning ranting and raving while shooting off her 38 special because she believed that the sounds of the house settling at night were really her neighbors tapping on her walls and windows to screw with her. She even claimed to have been sodomized in her room by the devil while she slept. This was entirely impossible since her granddaughter Ashley slept next to her that night and did not see the devil accosting her grandmother. Not to mention that the entire family was present in the house not only to keep her from killing her neighbors but also to decide how to deal with Frances’ obvious mental illness.

According to his wife, Frances was a very vibrant, determined, successful and well educated woman. However, she was supposedly a terrible mother and grandmother. Supposedly Ashley’s mom thought she was dying when she got her first period because Frances never told her anything about that kind of thing. Even more disturbing was that Ashley was the grandchild, along with her mother Hydie who both became a disgrace to Frances making them both the black sheep of the family. It of course had nothing to do with the fact that both Hydie and eventually Ashley were very outspoken, opinionated and nonconforming persons.  Hydie did get pregnant while unmarried and in high school which brought great shame to Frances.

Rick does his part and begins helping Ashley pack up and load up the gifts, food and balloons. He half-jokingly asks  “Am I going to meet the future you?” Ashley honestly responds “I hope not.” As they get in the car and head to see Frances Rick sees a very serious look come over his wife’s face. He asks “Baby what’s wrong?” She gives a response of “Nothing baby. I’m fine” which is a sure sign that she is not. But he knows that he shouldn’t push her. The days she is only required to visit with her mother cause her a tremendous amount of stress. Today she has to visit her crazy mother and crazy grandmother. She deals with and works through things in her own way. Better to not to light the fuse that will put a kybosh on their communications for the day and possibly the next week.

Rick and Ashley arrive at the nursing home well-appointed with balloons, roses and a bag full of goodies for grannie. As Ashley signs them into the visitor log she says “Now don’t freak out over how grandma and I interact. It has always been our way.” She turns about, expecting and receiving no questions, and heads off knowing exactly where she is going with Rick following behind.

As they turn the second corner into the hallway that leads to grandma’s room, Ashley says “here goes the crazy train.” She peeks in the door of the tiny room and says “What are you doing crazy lady?” As Ashley shows Frances the gifts and goodies Rick looks around the room. Throughout the room there is an abundance of framed photos of Ashley’s extended family, most of whom Rick has never met. Ashley introduces Rick to her grandmother. He is very cordial and respectful. Ashley and Frances begin talking about days past. The talk about Frances’ life and crazy antics. Ashley recalls a story that Rick has heard a few times. Ashley is beautiful dark haired Italian woman. She was also a very beautiful child. A fact that was told to her excessively as a small child. At about the age of two, Frances told Ashley that she was beautiful. Ashley matter of factly responded “I know.” Frances then began to tell a story about another incident that occurred when Ashley was about the same age. As Frances told the story, Rick could see that Ashley was hearing something she had never heard or known. Apparently, Frances had taken Ashley to get pictures taken. Frances recalled how adorable she was in the little dress Frances had made for her granddaughter. Frances went on to tell how Ashley was very rambunctious, would not be still nor follow anyone’s direction including that of the photographer. In complete exasperation the photographer finally looked at Frances and asked “can’t you control your daughter?” Frances proudly responded “this is my granddaughter and the answer is no.” Rick, Ashley and Frances had a good laugh over the story and all commented on how Ashley may be much older than those days but not much different.

As Ashley listened to her grandmother proudly telling this story, Ashley started thinking about the dress that Frances told her she made. Ashley asked her if she remembered what the dress looked like. Frances remembered specifically that it was a purple and white checked dress with puffed sleeves. Ashley immediately knew the dress. Ashley informed Frances that her very favorite picture is one that her mother Hydie has and is of a tiny little Ashley with short, curly hair, smiling devilishly while wearing a purple and white checked dress with puffed sleeves.

Rick and Ashley eventually end their visit with Frances and head out to make the 20 mile trek to Hydie’s. As they ride along Ashley recalls the many stories that Frances told today. Ashley realizes that her grandmother was tremendously proud of Ashley even as a small child and definitely was not ashamed of her as had always been conveyed by Hydie. As they eventually pull into Hydie’s driveway, Ashley knows today is not the day to address yet another incidence of misinformation and misdirection. She resigns herself to the fact that Hydie is not a perfect person who still deserves to be appreciated for all she has endured and sacrificed as a mother. She exits the car and greets Hydie with a loving smile, a container full of shrimp and grits, roses, balloons, and unspoken forgiveness.