Everything you do, have or don’t have is a direct result of your own actions and behaviors.
Any and all person’s views, behaviors and choices are influenced by their experiences. And upon initial and many subsequent mental reviews of one’s life experiences many people come to the conclusion that this or that happened because of another person’s actions or behavior(s). The reality is that most everything that occurs in your life, good or bad, IS YOUR FAULT.
If you became a drug addict in an effort to deal with the death of your son and father -IT WAS NOT REASONABLE, UNDERSTANDABLE OR INEVITABLE. It was a choice you made. There were other choices you could have made to deal with the pain of such extreme losses. You could have sought out counseling, attended certain meetings, talked to family or even sought advice from friends. Instead you chose to numb yourself rather than dealing with the emotions.
If while you are in your addiction you don’t feel safe, are always in hypervigilant mode, and are emotionally terrorized or mortified by the actions and behaviors you witness it is not the drug dealers’ or their misguided customer’s’ fault. IT IS YOURS! You chose the drugs; you chose to expose yourself to the people who sell drugs to their own mother and who kill people over ten dollars. You put yourself in that position to be exposed and subject to that kind of mentality.
The same concept is true in every other aspect of life. Many people use the excuse of “I didn’t have a choice” or “I didn’t know what to do” or “I didn’t know what I should say.” These statements and similar statements are all lies that you tell yourself and others in order to not take responsibility for your choices and actions. Those people who were shredding docs at Enron had many choices – “No I’m not doing it”, “I quit”, “you are a criminal”, or “I’m telling” just to name a few.
The emotionally disconnected boyfriend that you spent 3 years who eventually broke your heart – YOUR FAULT! You knew he was emotionally unavailable and never wanted to talk about anything serious. You suspected – in your gut- that he was not totally and completely dedicated to you or the relationship. The fact that you haven’t had sex in 8 months was a sure sign that something was really wrong. Upon evaluating your actions and/ or reactions to your many situations and relationships later you realize that you contributed to the problem by not addressing or by excusing the issues based on your own assumptions or fear of the answers you would get if you actually asked the relevant questions.
You can try to blame everything that happens in your life on someone or something else. But as you get older and wiser you find that you were the instrument of your own demise, difficulties or successes. Every day you make the choices that affect your life. You choose to use drugs, you choose to work for sexist pig, you choose to be quiet about your feelings, you choose to be exposed to certain persons, YOU CHOOSE WHETHER TO SAY OR NOT SAY ANYTHING OR EVERYTHING, TO DO OR NOT DO ANYTHING OR EVERYTHING, TO BE OR NOT BE ANYTHING OR EVERYTHING.Your criminal record, your relationship history, your job history, your education, your family relationships, and everything else conceivable on this earth is ultimately your responsibility.
The truth is that nothing happens in your life without action or reaction from you. The next time you think your life is shit because someone else did something or something happened — think about the decisions you made or didn’t, concessions you made or didn’t, the blind eye you turned, or the questions you didn’t ask or didn’t want to know the answers to before you blame everything and everyone else for your circumstances.
Upon really engaging in self reflection you are likely to find that you knew that ex was no good long before you had proof or that if you had addressed your concerns or suspicions earlier disaster may have been averted or the relationship could have turned into bliss; that if you told your boss that you wanted a raise you might actually have gotten one; that if a professor gave you a bad grade undeservingly you should have challenged him and could have made the dean’s list; or that if you have friends who have given you reason to question their character maybe you should question or not to limit or terminate the friendship.
A famous quote which I find so true is “The only thing to fear is fear itself.” Most people’s bad choices come from fear – fear of losing a friend or family member, fear of hurting someone’s feelings, fear of being alone, fear of not succeeding, fear of failure…. and the list goes on. Don’t be afraid … be thoughtful, be moral, be truthful, be true to yourself and be introspective. Taking responsibility for your life, actions, reactions and decisions can actually result in less anxiety, self-doubt, depression, addiction, etc.
Blaming everyone and everything else for your circumstances denies any self responsibility and prevents you from learning and growing. Take responsibility, learn and grow. It can be painful to acknowledge your character flaws, recognize your faults and take responsibility for your life but I promise you will be much better for it!
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